oh dear

So apparently Michael Jackson died today. Figures I wouldn't know the biggest piece of popular news that is eclipsing - as someone said - 'even all the wars' in the news.

But on the other hand ... it is no great loss. Except perhaps for followers of really weird/sick people ...

How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a sunbeam in the air? How do you ... I forget ... But other than it being not nearly so nice as all those things mentioned in the song, I feel that way about mental illness, and - specifically - depression.

It is one of those slippery hard-to-define things. Obviously I am much better than I was. I mean I am functional, mostly, and definitely don't spend my days lying on the couch. But there are lots of days I WISH I could. I don't think I'll ever have the kind of energy I used to take for granted or the get-up-and-go attitude. But how much of that was real anyway? Sometimes I think I was just going through the motions of what everyone expected of me for the first 38 years of my life. It is only recently that I have been able to be me again, albeit that came with the rather bitter pill of depression. Is it better to be oblivious and not sick or healthy aware and sick? Hmmm. That is a trade-off!

I do wish I could have more joy in my life. Not that I don't have any, I just wish I could feel happier more often, and more regularly. And this isn't sour grapes. I know there is no magic wand that someone can wave on my behalf and make me feel better more of the time, but I certainly WISH there was. Maybe that is why I enjoy the kind of reading I do - fantasy and science fiction - because there is the hope that there are other worlds and other realities.

cheers - Abigail

June 3, 2009. Do you remember in grade school figuring out how old I would be when the new century began? And now I am 9 years PAST that positively decrepit person I thought I'd be in 2000. :)

I think it is not a true Chinese proverb/curse "May you live in interesting times" but maybe it should be. Times are certainly interesting for me right now. Comfortable? No. Interesting? Yes.

Going to see Up tonight, I think. My emotions and my small self are hoping it carries me/us UP up and away ...!

hugs - A.

Tuesday morning angst

I know most of us by now have heard the acronym "B.I.T.C.H." or Babe In Total Control of Herself. But I felt like a bitch this morning with the kids, with Greg, even with the dogs and I certainly did NOT feel 'in total control'. How does one parent surly teenagers? Or pre-teen might-as-well-be-teen teenagers?

I am significantly stressed. My job is not a good fit, Greg and I are not fitting together very well right now, and I have boys that are turning into alien pod people in front of my eyes. Help!!! Could it be that I am bitchy because I am unhappy? Here I am, about to turn 45 and I WAS feeling quite happy about that - life has only gotten better as I've gotten older - but now I just feel like crawling into a little dark cave and pretending the world doesn't exist. Can I??

At least the boxers remain boxerish and normal...