How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a sunbeam in the air? How do you ... I forget ... But other than it being not nearly so nice as all those things mentioned in the song, I feel that way about mental illness, and - specifically - depression.

It is one of those slippery hard-to-define things. Obviously I am much better than I was. I mean I am functional, mostly, and definitely don't spend my days lying on the couch. But there are lots of days I WISH I could. I don't think I'll ever have the kind of energy I used to take for granted or the get-up-and-go attitude. But how much of that was real anyway? Sometimes I think I was just going through the motions of what everyone expected of me for the first 38 years of my life. It is only recently that I have been able to be me again, albeit that came with the rather bitter pill of depression. Is it better to be oblivious and not sick or healthy aware and sick? Hmmm. That is a trade-off!

I do wish I could have more joy in my life. Not that I don't have any, I just wish I could feel happier more often, and more regularly. And this isn't sour grapes. I know there is no magic wand that someone can wave on my behalf and make me feel better more of the time, but I certainly WISH there was. Maybe that is why I enjoy the kind of reading I do - fantasy and science fiction - because there is the hope that there are other worlds and other realities.

cheers - Abigail